


19-5-3-15-14-4

by MostFacinorous



Series: Night Vale Secret Police Archives [2]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: F/M, M/M, NVSP archives, Other, Podfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-22 22:36:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/918827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MostFacinorous/pseuds/MostFacinorous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The following file is from the archives of the Sheriff’s Secret Police phone tap records. This communication may contain confidential, proprietary, legally privileged, or raunchy information. It is intended only for Official Local Secret Police Business. Please do not use, listen to, retransmit, or masturbate to the following recording, unless you are part of the Sheriff’s Secret Police force. If you have accessed this recording and are not a member of the Secret Police, do us both a favor, and turn yourself in now. Do not attempt to run. We’ve already locked on your heat signature. Thank you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	19-5-3-15-14-4

Recording can be found [[here](http://nvsparchive.tumblr.com/post/57798962848/night-vale-secret-police-archives-recording-number)]

Download can be found [[here](http://kiwi6.com/file/stcw37m6q3)]

Transcript below.

 

[SPO Antonia]

The following file is from the archives of the Sheriff’s Secret Police phone tap records. This communication may contain confidential, proprietary, legally privileged, or raunchy information. It is intended only for Official Local Secret Police Business. Please do not use, listen to, retransmit, or masturbate to the following recording, unless you are part of the Sheriff’s Secret Police force. If you have accessed this recording and are not a member of the Secret Police, do us both a favor, and turn yourself in now. Do not attempt to run. We’ve already locked on your heat signature. Thank you.

 

[Tracy] Hello?

 

[Cassandra] Hey, watcha doing?

 

[T] Just got in to work. How bout you?

 

[C] I googled that Roswell place.

 

[T] Oh! I forgot about that. What’d you come up with?

 

[C] I think your boss is actually an actor.

 

[T] What?

 

[C] The only Roswell I could find was this old TV show.  And, like, think about it—perfect hair, straight white teeth, chiselled ass jaw—he’s way too pretty to be a scientist.

 

[T] Don’t let Hiram find out you said that. Carlos wouldn’t be pretty for much longer if he did.

 

[C] Mmm, speaking of hotties.

 

[T] Yeah, speaking of. How did the socks go down?

 

[C] Socks?  What are you talking about?

 

[T] Oh, uh, nothing. My bad.

 

[C] No, that’s really weird because I was totally talking to Hiram about a pair before this visit and I had this really good idea - that was not a good idea in the slightest, even a little bit at all, and know better than to ever try and sneak matches or socks into any building in the city, ever again.  How did you know?

 

[T] Never mind. Let’s just—talk about something else. Like um… ROSWELL! Was was that you were saying about it?

 

[C] Huh? Oh, no, basically nothing. It’s just some old TV show.  I couldn’t find any episodes of it, though.  Like, I found a forum for people who remember it…and they talk about it and even have lists of things that happened, but there’s not actually any proof it ever ran on TV.  No DVDs, no recordings of it at all.  Not even any gifs to send you to see if any of the actors are Carlos.   The closest I got was some youtube link, but that turned out to be like, an hour of static.  

 

[T] Well...what’s weird about that?

 

[C] Nothing, it’s just obnoxious as balls.  Anyway, whatever.  I wonder if there are any tests you can do on a person to find out if they’re an actor.

 

[T] You mean like…handing them a skull and seeing if they reflexively recite Shakespeare?

 

[C] HA! That’s good, I’m writing it down.

 

[T] Uh-Huh. Well then. Just don’t get me fired, okay? …Speaking of, are you up for another thrilling entry from his weirdness’s journal?

 

[C] Oh, plop, yeah!

 

[T] {clears throat}

Stopped by the Night Vale police station today to pick up a welcome package, after one of the checkers at Ralph’s asked to see my peanut butter license. I had no idea that was a controlled substance here, but I suppose that’s why they kept them in a glass case behind the cashier, where I’m used to seeing cigarettes.

Speaking of, I may have picked up a couple of cartons. Actually, that’s inaccurate. I did. I haven’t smoked since college, but there is something incredibly intimidating about this town, and I think that every now and then, it might be nice to have one on hand. Also, there is some kind of insect that seems to have decided I make an excellent meal, so I will break open at least a few to help with that. I did try asking after Calamine lotion, after I didn’t find any on the shelf, but the checker went pale and refused to talk about it and, having learned a little about the town already, I assume it has been outlawed for one reason or another. So tobacco it is.

****

While at the police station, I ran across some posters advertising a local landmark called Radon Canyon.

Now, as near as I can tell, it’s on the same road that we drove in on, but we couldn’t have driven through it, since, from the sounds of it, it’s a fairly descriptive name. I suppose the winds we drove through could, ostensibly, have kept the gasses out, but... it’s been calm ever since, and my team of colleagues left the same way we came in. I did mention this fact to the police, and they said they would send out a helicopter to survey, so I assume if anything is found, it will be on the radio later.

****

Good to know, I suppose... though still off putting, since Radon Canyon is apparently not all that far outside of town... and with the satirical posters advertising it as a tourist destination, I can only hope that no one is so naive as to take them literally.

It makes me wonder if there is a resident teratologist in Night Vale, and where I might find them. I’ll have to remember to ask next time I go out.

****

Speaking of, I tried to take a sample of the local soil to the Post Office, to send to my former thesis Committee Chair, Professor Carlin, back at MIT, but apparently the Post Office has been closed for a while now.

****

It is somewhat terrifying how completely secluded this little desert community is.

****

Speaking of, my cell phone has stopped working. There was choppy reception at first, but then it wouldn’t even turn on, and when I opened it up to see if I could remove the chip and put it into an older phone of mine, everything inside was one solid lump, like it had melted. I can only assume that I put it somewhere too hot, and managed not to realize. Though, it bothers me not knowing where that could be, since anything with that level of heat to it must be a fire hazard.

****

So I also need to visit somewhere in town that sells phones-- and hope that my grant funds continue to come through. If not, I’ll have to find something here that I can do to provide some income... a daunting task.

****

There also seems to be a new atmospheric disturbance out to the west, which part of me is very eager to check out, and part of me is a little more concerned about being unable to call for help or backup if I do.

I guess I should see about getting interns or something, just because of the inherent danger of this job. I also wonder if the City Council will give grants for my work. Another thing to look into.

****

For now, though, the radio program should be starting-- I’ve tried listening at other times, but the broadcasts here are so bizarre. I am almost certain I listened to an hour and a half of native bird calls the other night before I gave up. Besides, the announcer has such a soothing voice. It’s easy to see how he got his job. Cecil, I think his name was.

****

He seemed friendly enough. I wonder if I could advertise for assistants through the radio. Hmm.

****

[C] Ha! Is that how you found your job?

****

[T] Nah, I bumped into Carlos outside of the Loess Lass factory store, like, literally. He went sprawling, and I dropped my notebook and he saw some old notes for stories from when I was working for the Daily Journal. I guess he figured I was investigating Loess Lass, so he offered me a job. I didn’t realize he was so lonely, at the time.

****

[C] Poor dude. You should invite him out with us sometime!

****

[T] Come, on Cass, he’s my boss.

[C] Yeaaaaah but we could also invite Cecil.

****

[T] … Neither of them really strike me as the bowling-and-rave type.

****

[C] Can’t knock it til they’ve tried it!  What could go wrong?

****

[T] You tell me.

****

[C] ...They approach from afar, but closer than we think. Shoes sliding on polished wood, blood and plastic feathers torn asunder. Doors that appear and then are gone. Men with guns, helicopters that land. Fear.

****

[T] Um. oh... oh.. Oh. Well um. Sounds like a great night out, thanks, Cass. Think I’ll pass on that one.

****

[C] What’d I say?

****

[T] Just that it was a very bad idea. Look, I gotta run. I gotta finish this up, and then I want to get changed before I go out later.

****

[C] Oh? Got a hot date?

****

[T] Wouldn’t you like to know? Anyways, I’ll talk to you later.

****

[C] Alright, talk to you soon. PEACE!

****

{click}

****

[A]Hmm.

{dialing}

[A] Bernard? Hey, I want to pass on some new info. You know the Williams girl, Cassandra? Teddy Williams’s niece. Yeah. She had another of her little... episodes, today. Just over the phone, her and Tracy Hart were the only ones to hear. Mmhm.  You have something to write with? Alright. ‘They approach from afar, but closer than we think. Shoes slide on polished wood, blood and plastic feathers torn asunder. Doors that appear and then are gone. Men with guns, helicopters that land. Fear.’ and that was it. Yuh huh. Do you want me to call and have Jean pick them up, or do you want to do it? Mmhm. Nah, just a quick re education ought to cover it, I think. They’re smart girls, they learn fast. Ok. Yeah, you too. Alright. Bye.

{realizing she’s still recording}Oh, damn. Uh,

****

{clears throat}

****

[A] This concludes recording 19-5-3-15-14-4. This recording and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the Sheriff’s Secret Police, or the entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this recording in error please notify the Secret Police by taking off your shoes and filling them with 2% milk. We are monitoring the lactose levels in your household at this time. Additionally, you should really clean your bathroom. Seriously, no one wants to look at that, it’s pretty grody. So yeah, if you could get on that? Thanks.

****  
  
  


 

 


End file.
